Hehe. I'm back... yet again. I'd love to say I'll be more consistent, but lifing and adulting is hard, okay? I will try, though. I feel like this blog used to be a priority, and I guess that worked out because my social life and sex life took up so much more of my time. *very deep sigh* Oh, do I miss those days. Nowadays, I feel like all I do is work and heal from trauma... then get retraumatized. So, yeah, my focus has been elsewhere. But I really do miss it here and I will try to find more time for my happiness and craft.
Now, before I continue, I would like to state that these are my thoughts. I am in no way, shape, or form, asking for your advice (especially men). I am not interested in hearing what you think the "solutions" to my problems are. I am sharing my thoughts. Again, this post is about MY thoughts and the women who may feel the same. This is not a safe space for man-splaining, alpha-man bullshit, or unsolicited advice. Please read this paragraph as many times as you need to before you slide into my DMs, the comments, or my phone with any of your "thoughts." You will be blocked if you feel you are entitled to do so.
So, yeah, let's dive in.
My relationship with sex has changed so much since the last time I wrote, and damn near did a 180 since I began this blog. My dating life, however, definitely did a 180... well, at least my desires around dating as changed. The lack of activity hasn't changed much but it has become a lot more dreadful.
It hurts to believe this but I feel like the universe tells me to heal just to give me something else to heal from "when I'm ready." I genuinely don't understand the pre-requisites of having a quality dating life; I don't think anyone does. We always hear "it'll come when you're not looking," then "you can't find your soulmate in your apartment." I'm sorry but I'm not leaving my apartment to go to social spaces to *not* look for a social or dating life. Why? Because I don't fucking like leaving my apartment. If I'm leaving my home, it's for a reason (usually shopping hehe).
We're also told to "heal" before we are allowed to love, but a lot of healing (that I feel that I'm missing) can only be done in partnership. For example, commitment. I've always known that I was going to struggle with commitment, and it has been proven to become in many aspects of my life. I hop around from city to city, apartment to apartment, job to job, and of course, will keep a roster that I never have to choose from because I don't lay roots down anywhere or within anyone. Well, I've been working on that when it comes to my work and home life, However, I haven't been presented the chance in partnership. I will only commit to things that I desire & deserve and I cannot commit to a partner that isn't in my life. I have yet to meet a man that I am even willing to try to commit to... Well, okay, maybe I have. But we'll come back to this in two seconds.
I'm sure God and the universe want me to stop believing that men are incapable of being the type of partner I desire and deserve, yet will only show me examples of the men that are incapable, therefore I can only validate my feelings. How can I trust that there is a man deserving of my love (in qualities, actions, and compatibility) when the only time I've been presented one, the universe just decided... no? Obviously, that's not meant for me. Is giving romantic love not meant for me? Rare opportunities to try and obstacles in said opportunities lead me to believe that.. no, it isn't meant for me.
But then what's next? What is one to do when they have love to give, crave a safe and secure place to give it, but aren't supposed to do so?
And I swearrrrr. if anyone says, "you give it to yourself," I will quite literally implode. Is this the first post you read (it's okay if it is)? I've been loving myself for years. I mean... I quite literally cannot think of a single person who loves themself more than me. I am damn near perfection, okay? I love spending time on and with myself. And when I say I love myself, I mean that shit as an ACTION and in terms of relation. Outside of ego, even. I'm not gonna sit up here and say it's easy every day but I do that shit EVERY day. I mean, even when I'm changing (always) and I don't quite recognize who I am in that day, I typically take that second to sit down and learn (or attempt to, this can take a while), appreciate, and love who I am in the moment. During the transition. Again, not always easy, and sometimes I catch myself struggling to figure myself out but I always at the very least love the unknown.
Anyways, apparently, self-love isn't the prerequisite for romantic love. I mean, I got that. And I see others be given the chance to learn to love themselves with and sometimes even through their partner. Not comparing myself, because I am very glad to have done that work alone, but I see that it's possible to be given love without the work being done BEFOREHAND. Side note: it's honestly a beautiful thing to see people go through. I cannot put into words how warm I feel when people talk about an experience like this.
So, what is the missing piece? What's the prerequisite? I've done the "work." I've been through the trenches. I have the love to give. I think it's just not for me, at least not in this season and to be honest, that shit hurts.
This dating shit just isn't... giving.
If I could flip a switch and go back to my dating life (or even just sex life) around the time that I first started this blog, I would. Hell, if I could even stop my current desires and get back to the old me? You know I would. I truly miss that version of me.
P.S. I promise all my posts won't be so sad lol. I actually have some old stuff that I really want to get out to y'all. Plus, some recent good sex hehe. Y'all will get the tea.
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