Truth is... I'm lonely as hell. *ques BET movie intro* I know you're probably wondering how I got here. Out of all people, how am EYE this lonely? Well...
Idk if I told y'all but I recently moved to North Carolina. Now, while I do believe this was a wonderful decision, I also believe that the move, in partnership with the pandemic, is testing my regular lifestyle. Y'all know I'm used to a roster -- a quality starting five and maybe some fillers in case the starting 5 were busy or were just getting on my nerves (also a percentage of those 5 were never in the city in which I lived). My roster always kept me entertained, even if we weren't fucking; even if they were hundreds of miles away. I always had someone to lay up with. Always had someone to call on when I just wanted to talk. Always had someone to send the nudes to... and I knew they would respond well.
Then the pandemic happened. I immediately cut my entire roster. I decided to slow that hoe life down. A condom can protect you from a lot of things, but it cannot protect you from the covy. And y'all know I care about my health; I don't play games. I'm not entangling with everybody knowing they entangling with everybody else, knowing there's COVID hopping around Atlanta like that. It's just not it.
So, cool. I'm chilling for the most part. Then the awakening and enlightenment and shit happened. My mind was in a constant state of chaos. I had *too* many hoes (for my current lifestyle at least). I had a long list of projects that I wanted to accomplish and no idea what to do first. AND I had no room to grow and no budget to comfortable create that space for me in Atlanta. So... as I sat in a hotel room drunk as hell, space and time to think, the solution became obvious. I needed to leave.
North Carolina seemed like a sensible place to breathe and relearn my desires as a grown adult. Less than a month later, I found myself in a very spacious, empty apartment. No roster/one hoe, one friend, and at least 14 months to sit my ass down.
Now, okay, yes, I had one hoe. A new hoe. I was acknowledging where I needed to grow but I wasn't ready to jump into celibacy or anything (still not lmao). So, yes, I did line up one dick appointment prior to me moving. What do y'all expect from me? Hopefully not perfection lol. I would give him a code name but he has very small role in this story. Just know, he just so happen to be in Atlanta one night but lives in Raleigh. We met, we smoked, we fucked. It was fun. Solidified his spot on my roster. It was a very simple meet. Unfortunately, however, he disappointed me literally a week into my time in North Carolina. Towards the end of date #1, if that's even what you want to call it, he looked me directly in my eyes and told me that white women submit better and listen more. No shade, no tea, but he wasn't even worth submitting to even if that was my style (side note: this reminds me to actually talk about submission one day). I directed him to take me home and that was that on that.
That night, I'm not gonna lie, I was exhausted from dating after this ONE bad date. I knew that shouldn't have gotten me so down but is that what I was signing up for? Is that dating as a Black woman? I don't date too often but North Carolina was supposed to give me the space to try it out and that night was my introduction. And to be honest, before I went out with him, all I could think about was how I was finally gonna get some head. With randomly moving states and running my business, I hadn't really had the time to get some before I left Atlanta so I was deprived!!! But like, damn, he couldn't even shut up long enough for us to get to that point? This is honestly what REALLY had me shook. Like I didn't just have my eaters on speed dial anymore, which, yes, I know, was the point of me moving. But lemme tell you, that concept is much easier thought than lived, ya know?
The next night, I laid in bed and opened up ole faithful Tinder. I expected nothing but disappointment but how worse could it get right?
Now, I know, in great literary style, y'all are expecting me to say it got worse but... no. That night, I actually met the most amazing guy. I promise, I will give y'all that full story but this isn't about him. For now, all I will say is we spent a very intense and mostly wonderful 4 weeks in each other's lives. There was a beginning, middle, and, of course, an end. All in all, it was a wonderful experience. He set my bar highhhhhh. At that point, I should've done some reflecting but in my normal fuck-these-niggas fashion, I went to go fuck another nigga when we decided to go our separate ways.
I calmly did that for a bit then I finally took some time to sit with my feelings. Plus, I was in therapy, again. This was hard but refreshing. With the help of my therapist, I started to connect my present self with my present desires and needs. My move finally started to make sense beyond me just having a spacious apartment and stricter alcohol laws. I think, subconsciously, I was disappointed in myself. While in Atlanta, I spent very little time on myself. The last two years had been a lot and I hadn't sat down to decide what that means for who I am. I never looked at the changes that may have occurred within my desires. I just continued to chase what I was used to, but that's simply no longer who I am or what I want. I may have subconsciously been disappointed in myself in Atlanta, but now, I'm consciously so... but we're fixing that and I love myself for that.
From those 4 weeks with... let's call him... Shawn, I had gained sooooo much insight into who I was in regards to dating. I discovered what I'm like when I'm vulnerable; I learned about a softer version of myself. THIS completely shifted my desires. I recognized that while I definitely wasn't interested in anything as intense as those weeks just yet, I did crave a lot of what he offered. So, from here, what is it that I needed and/or wanted? With my situation with Shawn in mind, I narrowed it down to two words: comfort and consistency.
So, that's what I sought out. For a second, that's what I thought I found. And by a second, I do mean A SECOND. I met Sam next. Complete transparency... one of the greatest men I've ever met. That was really really fun but also inconsistent and short-lived. I blame that one on the universe, I guess. Just wasn't the right time... or, I guess, from this perspective, he wasn't the right person for this moment.
After him... whew, there has been a whole lotta chaos and what I'm assuming are tests in the form of disappointments. Girl, I'm tired. TIRED. I want consistency and comfort. I want GOOD head. I want QUALITY company with unproblematic men. I want NICE THINGSSSSS! I want thoughtfulness and flowers and bottles of whiskey and shit. I want to be checked in on and a man to pull up when I don't feel like being alone. With a hot pickle in hand because he knows I like them. I want to cook for more than just myself and be fed by someone else when I don't feel like cooking. And more than anything... I want someone to take out my trash, and to do so often. I'm willing to give but I am more than ready to receive. And honestly, I deserve that.
I'm not asking for monogamy (y'all know me hehe but we are in a pandemic so ehhh). I'm not asking for titles. But I am requiring consistency and comfort. And nice things :).
So, yeah. I'm lonely because I'm not accepting anything that's not that. Simple. It's been a lot harder than I thought it'd be and I'm tired of waiting but I'll continue to do so. I am ready to consistently suck some dick tho so I really hope something shakes soon. As always, I'll keep y'all updated.
Your favorite pleasure enthusiast,
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